The Fair Fight

Fighting fairly can be healthy for relationships. It can solve problems, clear the air, reinforce communication skills, and provide objectivity, and sometimes more insight than one wishes for into one’s own behaviour. It can also enhance self-esteem, and reinforce the value of your relationship. The positive intention behind a fight is as an expression of caring—we don’t fight with people over things we don’t care about. However, to do it well, without becoming entrenched or destructive, we need some basic guidelines.

Rules for Fair Fighting:

1. Most fights have to do with diminished self-esteem, or feeling hurt or wounded somehow. Before you start an argument, ask yourself, “What exactly is bothering me? What do I need or want? Are my feelings in proportion to the issue?”
2. Focus on “I” statements such as “I think” and “I feel” rather than “You should” or “You shouldn’t.” Generally, if you try to control another person’s behaviour it won’t be appreciated and you won’t achieve the end result you want.
3. Watch too, for the words “never” or “always”— as in “you never, or you always” being tossed about. In fact, avoid generalizations as a rule, as they tend towards being unfair, unanswerable, and put the other person on the defensive.
4. Listen, no matter how painful it is, and aim to be curious. This person may have important things to say that can help you learn about yourself. Ask questions about the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, even if we don’t agree with a viewpoint, we can see why someone may see a problem a certain way.
5. Be assertive, not aggressive. Be specific about what you want, and what outcomes are acceptable to you. And ask the other person to propose solutions also. Be prepared to say what you’ll do if things don’t change, but don’t threaten, nag, intimidate, call names, or make judgmental statements. Cruelty is never acceptable and at times may be unforgivable.
6. Never get physical. If you don’t think you or the other person can maintain control, leave the situation, returning only when people are calmer. Sometimes involving a third party such as a counsellor helps people stay safe emotionally and communicate more peacefully.
7. Don’t fight when impaired. Generally, we want to bring our best selves to the table when we need to sort out a big relationship issue, and drinking, drugs and lack of sleep all impair judgment enough that things may get said that are regrettable later.
8. No “kitchen sink” arguments in which every unresolved grievance ever conceived is dredged up and thrown into the ring. If you find yourself wrestling with museum issues, bring them up when you have set aside some time to work on them specifically.
9. Don’t fight in front of the kids. Save fighting for when you are alone with your partner. If you feel it can’t wait, you are too angry anyway and need to cool down first. And if your kids do see you argue, make sure that also see you make up. Kids need to know parents are resolving their issues.
10. Always have a way out — a pre-determined code word for partners can help both people defuse a situation. For example, preemptively agree that the word “pineapple” uttered by either of you mid-fight means, “We have to stop now, I’m too upset to feel safe right now with myself or with you, or I’m frustrated because we are going around in circles.”
11. Be willing to compromise. Share where you might be flexible and where you are not willing to be flexible clearly and out loud with your partner. In fact, don’t rely on mind reading to help you fight your fight.
12. Don’t shy away from asking for help. We add skills on when we need them, and often learn easily with good teachers when we are ready.
13. Learning to fight well is learning to fight fair, and is a life skill. Communication skills take practice. Be patient with yourself and be patient with your partner.

Caroline Bradfield MaCP, RCC. Comox Valley Family Counselling
www.comoxvalleycounselling.ca